What people don’t see.
A friend recently took photos of me for Aid the Silent and my speaking page. It was so gracious and beyond anything I deserved. During the beautiful lighting and laughter, I kept apologizing for my hair, for laughing, for my bare feet, for not knowing what to do with myself. He called it out on the spot, “these are your insecurities.”
At the surface, the pictures look secure and wonderfully free.
I go back and forth. I am constantly a product of redeeming work. When I am close to Jesus, I do not hear the voices of the past and the old warped images I had of myself, I see myself as a beautiful carefree Child of Jesus. When I slip away into trying to control situations and my loved ones’ lives, I hold so tightly with own strength that my gaze on Jesus falls away.
I want to gaze on Jesus. With all I have, with everything I have.
There are times when I am on the mountain, where I am barefoot and have wild hair, and talk without fear of how I sound. Jesus feels so real, so involved and active in my life.
Then comes this valley, this monstrous valley of shadows, where corners and crevices hold things I do not understand. I recall my 360 mountain view of God, and it seems so far like a dream.
There is GOOD NEWS! Jesus is the same on the carefree mountains to the dark valleys. He remains the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. Yet, I know He can seem out of reach on those valley days.
Faith is saying “I know You are good” when you cannot see His goodness in the moment. It is recalling “I know You are good because You, in Your very nature, are good.”
I am saying “Father, You are a good Father” because it awakens me back to when it was once undeniable and true, even if I (in my human-ness) cannot see it in that present circumstance.
What people don’t see is that I am asking God for answers all the time, trying to hear His voice over the chaotic madness of this world. Daily, Jesus and I have a conversation where I tell Him I can’t do this, that I’m not capable, and He answers “I’ve called you, I AM enough.”
What people don’t see is all these doctor appointments, all these tests. Trying to figure out why my hearing keeps dropping, why do I have so many migraines, why am I so exhausted all the time? Hearing scary outlandish “potentials” from doctors and having to remain calm to carry the day before me. Why is it becoming increasing difficult to hear even around my own family and friends? Jesus, why I can’t have the right to be angry about this and chose isolation?
Jesus answers “you are Mine. This is for something you cannot begin to understand or comprehend, for something bigger than yourself.”
What people don’t see is I internally battle out old insecurities, that I have to push aside what I used to live in to truly live as a Child of God. That I am afraid.
Jesus just asks me to trust Him, to put all these fears on His strong shoulders and to live as I felt when I was a safe little girl in my papa’s arms.
Without fail, He comes and rescues.
“With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed.
In your might, you guide them to your sacred home.”