Grieving

Today I sat in a sound booth and found that I could not repeat most of the words and I could only hear the rushing blood through my body. I was holding a button to click for tones and sounds only to find an empty silence. I knew there were sounds going off and I sat there in silence.

The audiogram confirmed that indeed my hearing has dropped. The only hearing I have is disappearing.

I am mourning and I am grieving. 

Yet, I rest on my Jesus that He is close to the brokenhearted. I drove around gut-wrenching sobbing and the brokenness I felt today brought me in the most tenderest spot before the Lord. I have only been able to cry out “Jesus, I need you” because of the looming thought that these types of drops will eventually leave me completely stone cold deaf. 

It leaves me with few options to try to get along in a very noisy world that demands for me to hear. When I cannot hear, He hears me.

I feel so defeated and victorious at the same time. I feel so brokenhearted and comforted all at once because Jesus brings healing in deep hurt. He sees this drop and then sees the Kingdom being flooded with my deaf friends I meet along the way in this journey. He already knows the day when perfectness comes, so I trust fully in His perfect plan.

This drop, I know, is being used for His perfect Goodness to bring the deaf to Himself. My story of facing this battle is bringing ministries like Aid the Silent and Deaf Young Life to life. I am deeply connected and tenderly brought before Jesus for this cause and purpose.

After receiving this news, I drove around and ended up at a stoplight with a homeless man. He was not much older than me. At first, I was angry because this world has been so ugly lately and I wanted to just ignore him. Nationally and even in my little small town, I have found life is so hard and full of pain. I also found that life is so beautiful and so worth living.

I have sat in my car today with “I cannot believe this happening. I cannot believe the pain people are experiencing. I cannot believe the pain I am experiencing once again” to “I cannot believe what You have done, what You do to restore lives. I cannot believe Your constant faithfulness!” 

Tender broken hearts bring us to be attune to the world around and so that I can point to the faithful history of my Father. In this hurt, my eyes were wide open and I realized the pain I was experiencing was very beautiful because it was making my heart break for the things that break the heart of God. I ached with this man and I found out his name was Chris and that he had hit his rock bottom, that he needed Jesus. I had hit my rock bottom and I needed Jesus. Our tender brokenness brings us to see people like Jesus sees them, we are mindful of the Kingdom Impact we have on one another. We carry words to transform because of His Words.

I can point to His faithfulness as Aid the Silent reaches more deaf children and teens internationally, and as Deaf Young Life just had an amazing week at Camp Buckner. As my friend and I prayed to Jesus in sign language for the first time, accepting Jesus and His gift of bridging the separation between us and God. And in the excitement, as she rushed to tell her friends that, “Jesus gave me new heart.” Recalling at fourteen, Jesus gave me a new heart and rescued me from loneliness. Seeing that perfect understanding was given and that these 4 deaf girls completely understood the Gospel, skits and cabin times. That the months of sleepless nights and terror dissolved into peace, the words of people saying “this is impossible, Young Life will never work for deaf campers” dissolved. The Lord is faithful beyond measure! 

I found my home in my work for deaf teenagers, everything Jesus had already told me I was really made for, was confirmed this past week. The deaf will know Jesus. My story of eventually going completely deaf is a part of His Goodness to used. This pain is to be used. Broken pieces are to show the fullness of Jesus and His mending Hands.

I allow myself to grieve now, to sob openly that this unfair because then I choose JOY to see what Jesus has in mind from this. He plans to bring people to Himself.

Do not feel sympathy or pity for me. I wrote this and I share these things so that you can find your own story here.

In tender brokenness before Jesus, things for the Kingdom start taking place. There is Eternal value to be realized in our pain. That His Grace is sufficient, it answers all. The Cross answers my pain and uncertain sense of hearing because He is made perfect in my weakness.

The first voice I will hear in all its fullness and completeness will be Jesus’. I am not sorry for myself, I am glad that in my perfect Resurrected body, the voice I will fully hear is His voice. 

I can choose to be angry or I can choose to be propelled deeper for the Kingdom. This tenderness brings me to choose the Kingdom.